Heading Home

Just finished packing for home. It is truly amazing how much one can get into an overnight bag when really trying. This will be my first experience traveling on "the busiest travel day of the year" - so I am trying to keep it simple. I am carrying a small enough bag to fit under my seat - no fighting for overhead space or waiting at baggage claim. I am taking the rail to the airport - no waiting on a cab or "the horror" - parking. I even have alternate plans in place for my parents to pick me up in Atlanta if my connection to SC gets delayed. All that said - I am still prepared for a long journey with its share of hiccups. At least I get to go home for Thanksgiving.

My friend Kris has continued to blog daily from her trip to Chicago - she is such a better person than I am. I will let you know how everything went when I get back on Sunday. To those of you I don't get a chance to talk to - HAPPY THANKSGIVING! Don't eat too much.

More Calendar Wisdom

I really love my Wild Words from Wild Women calendar. It is at times funny, thought provoking and silly. At times, I need a little of all the above. The quote from yesterday struck me in particular. As I spend a lot of my time lately obsessing about reaching the climate of my particular mountain - I am reminded to make sure that I enjoy the climb.

"You never conquer a mountain. You stand on the summit a few moments; then the wind blows your footprints away." Arlene Blum

Priorities?

Okay - I finally caved in today and purchased a winter coat. I resisted for many reasons. I even convinced myself that perhaps I didn't need one and could make do with the myriad of coats that I currently own. Then it got cold. Not that normal low temperature cold, but the wind is blowing and icicles couldn't survive in this weather cold. I headed to the store.

I heard they had a sale at Macy's and as that required only a quick walk downtown I decided to check it out first. The downtown Macy's in Philly is really quite spectacular. It is in a terrific old building with all these hidden nooks and crannies. Love it! They were indeed having a pretty terrific scale and I got a Calvin Klein "puffer" jacket with hood and most importantly sans fake fur trim for 60% off. I was feeling quite proud of myself. It is even red - one of my favorite colors.

On my way out I decided to stop in the Estee Lauder counter. I still hadn't caught a "gift" time, but was really scraping the bottom of the moisturizer container. Therefore, I decided to suck it up and pay full prize without the gift. I initially felt good about being at the counter. The sales lady raved about my skin and its "lack" of wrinkles. (I know that is her job, but it still makes you feel good.) Then I payed the bill.

I payed only five dollars less for my 1.7 ozs of Revitalizing Lift face cream than I did for my heavy winter coat. Perhaps my priorities are a little screwed up? I probably would be feeling less guilty about this if I hadn't had to pass several homeless people as I entered the store. I donate to charity and contribute old clothes to Goodwill, but for the amount of money I just spent on face cream - I could have bought one of those people a new winter coat! My vanity and conscience are currently having a brawl. Will let you know how it turns out.

White Thanksgiving?????

Okay - we all know I grew up well below the Mason-Dixon line. For those of you who didn't, there is this game we all play come Christmas time. We start wishing for a White Christmas. We play the songs, we send letters to Santa Claus, etc etc. We all have this image of snow covered Christmas trees, lights twinkling bright against the white curtain of snow, and enjoying a Christmas dinner while gazing out at the beautiful snow. Even the grown-ups get into the spirit.

Needless to say - it never happens. It is not like it never snows in Georgia. It does - we get at least an inch every 3-5 years. What doesn't happen is life continuing as normal. Christmas would come to a grinding halt should it ever actually snow back home during that time. We would all be confined to our homes with our milk and bread (Southern joke you would have to be there to believe). We love the idea of snow - we just don't do well with the reality. Because we see it so infrequently, we have romanticized it.

Well, all that may be changing for me. I woke up this AM to a light dusting of snow on the ground with more falling from the sky. Back home, schools would have been cancelled and no one would go to work. Here, people barely glance up. The Southerner in me wants to stand on the street corner and enjoy the wander of the beautiful snow falling. The Southerner in me is also a little worried. They are getting our "January snowstorm" in November. If Thanksgiving is dusted with snow, what will Christmas look like? I have got to run to the grocery store - I am out of milk and bread.

Peeved!

Okay - I know that I blogged once already today, but I am extremely irritated and need to blow off steam. I would normally call Kris or my mom. My mom is out currently - see prior blog from today, and Kris has had to listen to a lot of my crying recently. Since I know they will both have to listen to even more as this whole job search thing goes along, I decided to blow off to my computer. Feel free to ignore this blog and check back tomorrow.

As anyone can see from my Facebooking and blogging earlier today, I have spent most of my day doing nothing productive. I did a lobectomy this morning, but was thru by 10:30am. My new attending - we'll call Dr Obnoxious - had a lobectomy followed by a VATS which I am supposed to do. She started the lobe at 11 am and just now finished!!!! I am not sure why it took so long, but thanks to her 8 hour case I have been stuck here all day waiting on my second case to go. It is just now going into the room, and because she never knows when to quit will probably still be going at midnight.

I try to be understanding. In seven short months, I will be her - if I get a job. I can only imagine how scary it must be making the final decisions after all the years of having someone look over your shoulder. I would argue however that since we have 10 years of people looking over our shoulders, we should be the new attendings with the greatest experience. Our decisions should come just a little bit easier. There comes a time where you just have to suck it up, consider your training and go with your gut. We are Cardiothoracic surgeons after all. We are always right - just ask us.

What's so great about NORMAL?

This is the question my mom asked me yesterday. I have spent a lot of time whining to her recently about wanting a normal life. My mom has this great ability to listen to me complain about my "problems", be a little understanding, and then tell me to get over it. This is probably how I survived my surgical training. Whenever I started my woe is me act, she would listen for a little bit, and then remind me that as my friend Bassam likes to say - I checked the box. It may sound somewhat harsh to some of you, but is the perfect way to recenter my reality. [I like to tell my mom that she is lucky I turned out so well, but I become more aware each day how hard she worked to achieve said result.]

My mom's comment made me think - as it was intended to do. When I went to my ten year high school reunion several years back, I was nervous about the fact that I was still in "school" while everyone else had normal lives. I walked out of the reunion thankful that my life was exactly as it was - so many of theirs sounded so boring and foreign to me. I had so little in common with them - I skipped my 15th. Surely that is not what I have been whining about?

Therefore, how do I define normal? I want simple things out of life. I would like to sleep till 5 am. I would like to only be at the hospital for a couple of hours on the weekends. I would love to make plans with my friends and actually be able to keep them. I would like to have dinner before 7 pm occasionally. I would like to read a book that has absolutely nothing to do with medicine and not feel guilty about it. I would like to have a desk completely free of papers to write and even more articles to read. I would like to give good news to patients at least once a week. I want to have complete control over my patients and my schedule.

The more I think about it, the more I realize that my definition of normal - and ultimately what I want in life is so far from what most people consider normal they have different area codes. I guarantee you each of my friends would come up with completely different lists - both from mine and from each others. This is perhaps the ultimate lesson for me. My normal is only normal because it is what is safe and predictable for me. I should neither covet nor judge others normal. We all find our comfort zone in life. It is simply time for me to move into mine.

Do clothes mate?

Okay - I am catching up on some laundry tonight. I actually got to wear real clothes this weekend. I miss that sometimes. As I was starting to put things away, I swear that I have more clothes now than I had when I moved here.

Many of you are shaking your heads saying - no surprise there. Girl you like to shop. In my defense the only thing that I have bought since I have been here are a couple of 3/4 length t's from Ann Taylor - honest. Where are they coming from? I glanced thru them - they all seem familiar, but I swear I didn't have that many clothes before I came here.

Maybe they are reacting to the cold and getting closer than normal. I think there has been some unprotected sex in that closet. I could have told Sarah Palin that abstinence doesn't work.

Clarity at last!

I got a chance to head to our nation's capital this past weekend to catch up with an old friend. I had an amazing trip. I caught up with my friend Jessica from college. We spent a lot of time trying to remember when the last time that we actually had a chance to physically see each other and decided that it was more years ago than either of us were willing to admit. However, we were able to catch up and I got to see a lot of the city while I was there.

I had only been to DC once before ten years ago when I was applying for general surgery residency. I had a brief sleet filled layover that allowed me to see basically none of the city. The Washington Monument was under renovation at the time and completely covered in scaffolding. We also got lost and couldn't even find our way past the White House. Jessica made sure that I was able to catch up on all the Monuments and the White House. I should also point out that she is 34 weeks pregnant, suffering from pre-term labor and has issues with a fibroid that she has named frank. Despite all of this she allowed me to drag her all over the city she grew up in seeing things that she has seen her entire life. Now that is what I call a good friend.

I could continue to regale you with the details of my fantastic weekend, and would be happy to at a later date, but the most exciting decision that came out of this weekend involves my future. As I have complained about before, it is time for me to start applying for jobs. The real kind. I have had some issue with deciding first and foremost where I wanted to live. I have been giving serious thought as to where I can see myself in 10 years. I know that you don't have to keep your first job forever, but I want that option.

I had decided already on the East coast - that is my comfort zone and personality. However, it involves a fairly large piece of real estate. As I was touring the DC area this weekend, I realized that I REALLY liked it there. This got me truly soul searching as to what I want in a place to live. Now in a perfect world, I could pick a place and then magically transport all of my friends there to live. Unfortunately, I haven't lived in a perfect world in quite some time. I decided that while proximity to friends and family are important, I need to look beyond to location and type of practice. Friends and family move - mine more than most. I need to make sure that I really like where I live.

So I made a list of things that I want in my future city. The first thing on my list is just that - A City. I grew up in the middle of nowhere. (Literally my street address is Nowhere Road). It was an amazing way to grow up with lots of freedom and safety, but not what I want as an adult. I am a city girl at heart. It doesn't have to be 1 million people, but urban I want. Secondly, I want seasons. I will always be a Georgia girl - that is where I was born and probably where I will retire. I want something else in the middle. As much as I hate winter - I like the things that winter allows - namely fall and spring. Third, access to water. It doesn't have to be outside my back door, but needs to be a relatively short drive away - I prefer salty by the way. Fourth, driving distance from my parents. My parents don't like to fly. I want to be close enough that they can get into the car and come visit me without it being a two day drive.

With the above qualifications, I have now narrowed my job search. I am finally excited about the whole prospect instead of filled with incredible dread. I am still nervous and stressed of course, but I really see no way around that aspect. Oh - guess I should tell you guys what I have decided. I have decided to look for jobs in Washington DC, Maryland, Virginia, North Carolina and Tennessee. I don't want to limit myself more than that right away - thoracic jobs though getting better are still a little hard to come by. I am still trying to make the Private Practice vs Academic decision so have decided to apply for both to see what is out there. The search has begun in earnest - wish me luck and please forgive my stressful grumpy ramblings over the course of the next several months.

The lies we tell ourselves

I think I have an under appreciated talent. I am a very convincing liar to myself. The most interesting thing - I am a horrible liar to everyone else. I have an overdeveloped sense of guilt - and have never been able to lie well. However, it seems when it comes to myself - I will believe anything that I say. This has probably come in very handy as a survival tactic the last 10 years.

The only time that the system starts to fail is when I have a vacation coming or a trip planned. I work between 80-100 hours most weeks. I am not counting the reading that I do outside the hospital or the preparation required for cases. I have convinced myself that this is pretty good. (It is a whole lot better than it used to be before the "80 Hour Work week".) I tell myself that I have become lazy in my old age and should be doing more.

Then I plan a trip. For instance, this weekend I am heading to DC to visit an old friend that I haven't seen in ages. Suddenly, out of nowhere, last week the amount of time I spend at work started to really bug me. I have become grumpy and roll my eyes every time my phone rings. I am on call again tonight - my last one this month - but all I can see is that I am stuck doing a right VAD revision on a sick as crap cardiac patient. Before last week, that would not have bothered me. I would have convinced myself that it makes the night go faster.

My theory - for pure survival - my mind convinces me that life is all rosy when it sees no alternatives in the near future. However, when a chance for fun, rest and a small piece of normalcy presents itself - I become less tolerant of life as I know it. As soon as I get back on Monday, I will go right back to life is good what a lucky girl am I. My only concern - I have both a Thanksgiving vacation and an early December weekend trip to Nashville planned. Maybe since I have this weekend respite coming up - I can sail to the next trip without this grumpy bump in the road.

Christmas Lights !?!?!?!?

So as I was just driving home from work - much later than it should have been - I was silently lamenting my day in my head. I was also audibly grumbling about the slow traffic so late at night. It was then that I noticed that the traffic was backed up because we were down to one lane due to the trucks placing Christmas decorations and lights on the street lights and trees. Correct - I said Christmas decorations. Last I checked - Thanksgiving day was still two weeks away!

My friend Kris brought this topic up the day after Halloween when she first found Christmas decorations in the store. Although I too found this obnoxious, I tried to argue in my head that this is not the best year to argue against retail stores trying to make money. I imagine they are hurting quite a bit at the moment. Therefore, I bravely fought past the Christmas isles and tuned out the Christmas music at the stores and forged ahead. Christmas decorations - this is my line in the sand.

We made fun of people growing up who left their Christmas lights up all year, but maybe they were just ahead of the curve. It seems that Christmas gets earlier and earlier every year. My issue with this is it takes some of the fun out of it for me. Christmas is a season. One, at least for me, filled with anticipation, wonder, joy and hope. By dragging it out longer and longer, it seems to get a watered down. Before long, it will be Christmas all year. What do you look forward to then?

I am jumping on Kris's bandwagon here. As usual she called it from the start.

This can't be good

I grew up a very religious person. As most of you know, Church was and still is a big thing in my parent's house. I am sad to admit that these days I am more spiritual than religious. I unfortunately do not attend services as often as I should. This is from the girl who missed only two Sunday morning services for the first 26 years of her life. My - at the time brand new baby sister - is to blame for one and a freak Atlanta snow storm for the other. I don't necessarily believe that a person has to show up at Church every week to be a believer, but I do think that it helps.

I use my job as the most convenient excuse, but I recognize it is exactly that - an excuse. I showed up every Sunday during medical school. I could certainly find my way to a church pew on my weekend's off from work. My distance from regular church attendance is relatively recent. I attended regular services in Augusta. When I first moved to Nashville, I was angry. Not necessarily at God, but at the turn of events my life had taken. As I have said before, I had lost my Faith. I attended Church with the Helou's occasionally and for the Holidays, but never put enough effort into finding a Church of my own. I have now lived in Philly for several months, and have not yet darkened a Church's door.

I am not proud of this, as a matter of fact it saddens me greatly. It has also been weighing on my mind a lot recently. Maybe that is why I had such a strange dream last night. I somehow mixed the Seven Deadly Sins - biblical version with the movie and I was the star. I don't remember many of the details, but what scares me is how many of them I have given a place in my life. For those of you who don't know, although never listed together in the Bible, the Seven Deadly Sins were developed by the early Church to list the "Mortal sins". The sins that required absolution or penitence.

The first is Pride - I am a surgeon and a cardio-thoracic one at that - enough said. The second is Envy. I struggle with this one. I talk to my friends and think what wonderfully rich and full lives they have, and sometimes wish they were mine. The third is Wrath. I think I may be okay here. Interestingly as I get older, my temper gets less and less. It now takes an incredible amount of incompetence to get me riled up. Fourth is Sloth. Not so good here. I have become so incredibly lazy. I still have grand plans and great ideas, but these days they give way to sitting on my couch or sleeping. Fifth is Greed. I get a pass here. If I were greedy, I would have had a job long before now. Sixth is Gluttony. I stepped on the scales yesterday - we need go no further. Seventh and last is Lust. Too busy being slothful to have much issue here.

For those of you counting - Four out of Seven. I am not saying that regular Church attendance would fix the above, and the list was made somewhat in jest. However, it is telling for me that I could come up with the above list. I need to nourish my soul. My beliefs are a big part of my sense of self and ideas about the world. I have always felt that at heart I am a nice person - I need to make some changes so that I can continue to think so.

Giving my hour back

Okay - I look forward to time change as much as anybody. There is something so delightful about "stealing" an extra hour of sleep. I feel like I am somehow cheating the system. For one day a year, I actually have that extra hour that I so often wish existed. I get almost as upset about being on call for end of daylight's saving time as I do for major holidays. I want to enjoy that hour in the quiet privacy of my home - not in a hospital. All of that being said - despite planning thousands of productive ways to spend my extra free hour each year - I usually sleep for an extra hour. However, it is one of the best hours of sleep on the planet.

As you can tell - I truly look forward to that first Sunday in November and the extra hour in the day. However, somehow each year, I forget how much I actually hate all the dark winter days that come afterwards. I am used to going to work in the dark. Early on I whined about how much I hate mornings, but in all honesty - I have sort of turned into a morning person. It is not completely my choice - I can barely sleep past 6 anymore, but I can find some beauty in the stillness and promise of a dark winter morning. Don't worry - I haven't turned into one of those annoyingly cheerful morning people, but I can at least now make conversation in the morning.

What I find so incredibly depressing and quite frankly tiring is coming home in the dark. Take today for example. We actually finished work at a decent hour. However, walking out of the hospital at 5 pm it is already dusky. By the time I make a quick run to Target and have a bite of dinner - it is dark. I spend most of the Winter walking by as many windows during the day as I can to help recall what sunshine looks like. I am also discovering that it is incredibly grey here in the City of Brotherly Love.

Even worse is my mind's reaction to the darkness. It is 7 pm and I am falling asleep on the couch. Not because I am getting any less sleep that normal, but because it is dark outside and that seems to flip a switch in my head that says 'must go to sleep'. Therefore, this year I have decided to stay on Daylight's saving time all winter. Sure it may be confusing to be an hour off from everyone else, but since when have I followed the beat of a normal drummer?

Proud American

I will admit that I am a bit bleary eyed this morning and could really benefit from a nap, but I am incredibly proud to call myself an American today. It was an amazing night. Election called relatively early (11 pm on East Coast) without any hanging chads or tampered machines. I had forgotten what one of those election nights felt like. It has been a few years - 8 as a matter of fact.

I will admit that I openly cried during his speech. I truly felt the historical significance of it. This will be one of those 'what were you doing when' moments. We haven't had a lot of those in my generation - and the ones we have had were not great memories. It is not all that fun to sit around and reminisce about what I was doing when the Challenger exploded or the Towers went down. This is a memory I can truly cherish.

He seemed subdued during his speech - understandable given the tragic passing of his grandmother, but I got the impression that part of the issue is that he truly understands the enormity of job he is undertaking. I like that about him. I want a President who understands it is a big deal - not someone trying to pass time during the off season in baseball. We have serious problems we are facing, and it is time for serious solutions.

Luckily, I only have one more case and then call it a day. It has been a tiring couple of days, but time well spent.

ELECTION DAY

I can't believe it is finally here. It seems like this is the longest election cycle ever. I have loved it. It has been particularly interesting living in Philadelphia. The things that I have learned over the last few weeks. For instance, did you know that according to the GOP trust, there is some question about whether or not Obama is even a US Citizen? There was also an interesting ad involving a "failed abortion" who is now a 30 year old woman. Of course, she had issues with Obama also. I know both sides go negative, and it seems to be getting worse every year, but some of these things are getting a little ridiculous. (Godless Americans in NC anyone?)

Regardless, I had a bad call night, but was able to get a quick nap in after I voted this morning. No bad voting story for me. I walked right in to my polling place - literally one block in front of where I live. I waited behind one person to sign in, and behind two people to vote. I was literally in and out in 10 minutes. Of course, 20 years from now when I am telling friends and family the story of voting for President Obama, I may have to make that story more interesting. Poetic license you understand.

The only thing left is a lot of CNN watching. Speaking of, the first polls should be closing soon. Will check back in tomorrow - the first day of our new Democratic government.

Call woes

I am on call again. It seems like a common occurrence. In truth, I don't take a huge amount of call here. I average about 4 calls a month - not bad. I think there are a couple of reasons it seems bad - one call here SUCKS. I don't think I have ever had what I would consider a "good" call night. If I can get out of here without given chest compressions, opening a chest, intubating or running someone to the operating room - I consider it a win. The other reason is that my call always seems to be lumped. For example, for the month of November - I have the 3rd, 8th and 13th - and then I am finished for the month. It is not all that fun for the two weeks that I take all my call, but it is very nice for the other two weeks of the month.

I feel a little guilty complaining. It could be SO MUCH worse. It is just when I am in the middle of the call - it is very hard to see the big picture. All I can see is that I am once again stuck in a smelly call room taking care of an unstable ICU. The good think is that I get to leave early in the morning.

My plans - run to the grocery store, take a shower, VOTE!, go to gym, take a nap - stay up all night watching election returns. I am a little sad to see it coming to a close. I am such a political junkie - what will I watch at night now? I am not really into many TV shows anymore. Lost my one and only show hasn't started their new season yet. CNN is less exciting without all the political pundits. Oh well, I guess I can read more.

Just a quick reminder for those who haven't voted yet - tomorrow is the big day! Don't forget to vote.