Shapeless

So I have past out of shape and moved right into the shapeless category. Let's just say that I have been less than stellar about going to the gym these days. I would love to blame my job which is usually my go to excuse, but I spent most of the day on the couch yesterday doing nothing. My excuse for not going to the gym - I didn't want to.

Why can I not get myself motivated? Part of the problem is my perception that I don't have to work out. For reasons that are beyond my understanding, I have been able to continue to lose weight despite my laziness. Ergo I don't "need" to work out. Now the obvious answer to that is I could lose weight faster or perhaps eat more if I were willing to expend some calories in the gym, but we really shouldn't confuse my whole premise with facts.

The even better reason to go to the gym is that I am horribly out of shape. I just climbed two flights of stairs, and was short of breath when I reached the top. We use ability to climb stairs without shortness of breath as a criteria for lung resections. Luckily I don't smoke and have less chance of lung cancer because I am not sure I could qualify for a resection. One would think at least my competitiveness gene should kick in a little here. My friend Kris ran 10 miles this weekend - all at one time. My friend Bree ran 20 miles - on purpose!?! I have no desire (nor quite frankly the ability) to compete in their leagues, but shouldn't I at least care about looking like such a slacker around them?

Call musings

I am on call today. Woke up late so have spent the entire day "running behind". I had a take back for bleeding this AM (I didn't do the original case), and am now actually sitting at my desk studying for my boards. Thought I would share the words to one of my new favorite Sugarland songs.

It Happens

Missed my alarm clock ringing
Woke up, telephone screaming
Boss man singing his same old song

Rolled in late about an hour
No cup of coffee, no shower
Walk of shame with two different shoes on

Now it is poor me, why me, oh me
Boring the same old worn out blah, blah story
There is no good explanation for it at all

Ain't no rhyme or reason
No complicated meaning
Ain't no need to over think it
Let go laughing

Life don't go quite like you planned it
Why try so hard to understand it
Irrefutable, indisputable
Fact is

Yeah, the irrefutable, indisputable
Absoluteable, totally beautiful
Fact is psssh it happens.

Rip-Off

I wear my "real" work clothes for about 1 1/2 hours a day - an hour in the morning for rounds, and 30 minutes at the end of the day on the way home. The rest of the day I wear hospital provided pajamas - which make no one look cute (sorry Dr Ray). Despite my part-time use of my clothes, I pay full price for them when I buy them. I also - it turns out - pay full price when I dry clean them. I can't believe how much it costs to dry clean clothes.

Okay, not entirely true. I once knew how much it cost, and then I got fat. For the past several months, I have mostly worn scrubs. Now that I can wear my clothes again, I have rediscovered the cost of dry cleaning - and I am not a happy camper. I am not even exactly sure what they actually do to my clothes. I have a sneaky suspicion that they simply hang them in a steam bath, put them on a hanger and give them back to me all the while trying not to laugh. (Sorry by the way for my long sentences - I have been trying to learn to love Faulkner, and it seems to be rubbing off.)

At least my clothes last a really long time argues my dad. What girl on the planet wants her clothes to last forever? I really can't justify buying the new really cute black pencil skirt when I have 6 at home that are still in incredibly good shape. Although Kris would argue that idea never stops me from buying a new denim skirt. Obviously I picked up my dry cleaning today. I vented and now I promise to move on.

FOUND - one dose lost optimism

Perhaps my 8 hours of mindless television yesterday were not a complete waste. I went to bed last night, actually fell asleep and slept the entire night (this is unique for me as of late.) Even better, I woke up this morning feeling something I haven't felt in a few months - optimism. It hasn't told me yet where it went or for that matter why it finally decided to come home, but I am so happy to have it back.

I have let this job search business "steal my joy" to quote my friend Kris, and made me forget how much I actually love what I do and what a great life I really live. No more. I will continue to actively pursue the jobs that I have on the table, and continue to look for more, but I will no longer allow the process to take away my enjoyment in life.

Marathon Training

Unlike my friends Bree, Kris, Meg and Jill - I am not referring to running. I would probably be much more healthy if I was. However, the marathon training that I did today involved my television. I don't watch a lot of television anymore, but I occasionally have weekends where I completely turn into a couch potato.

This was one of those weekends. My channel of choice - Oxygen. I started a Sunday marathon of America's Next Top Model, and have been hooked all day. Very sad, but true. We won't even discuss all the things productive that I could have done this weekend. Besides, I don't have time - I need to go root for Danielle in the next three eliminations.

Enough with the black

Given the amount of black worn in this city one would have thought I got confused and accidentally moved to New York City. All I can say is enough already. Why is it that people think head to toe black 24/7 is a good look? No wonder everyone is grumpy here - they have NO color in their life.

I have been aware of the fondness for black for a while, but it seems to be intensifying. Shouldn't spring bring color? I walked downtown this morning and I kid not - I saw exactly 3 people not in black. I live in the City - I saw a lot of people this morning. People even dress their kids in black here.

Well, I have caved on a lot here, but I stand firm on this. Most importantly, I don't look good in black. It is just not my color. I don't know if it is that I am too pink or my hair too fair, but it looks harsh on me. I will take navy or brown any day of the week. Maybe everyone else here had my problem with weight gain in this city and this is their way of coping. I'll take Michelle, my nutritionist, any day of the week over such a depressing wardrobe.

Not that I am counting

Not that I am counting, but I have 103 days left in my training. Really not counting the 3,550 days of training that I have already completed. I have 13 days of call remaining not including the 14 hrs and 3 minutes that I have left on the call that I am currently suffering through. Two days before spring is "officially" here, not that Philly seems to care. We won't even discuss the infinity of time that I seem to have left before I find a job.

Obviously, I have too much time on my hands today. As mentioned, I am on call. We all know how much I love call, but for some reason today is even more INCREDIBLY, EXCRUCIATINGLY, ASTOUNDINGLY painful. My ADHD (attention deficit and hyperactivity disorder for any living under a rock) is at an all time high. I actually know 1 year old children with greater attention spans than mine. I can't concentrate on anything. Today alone, I have tried to study, tried to write a paper, tried to teach the medical students, tried to read a journal article, tried to read a newspaper article, and tried to listen attentively to my junior fellow's marital troubles - the only success I have had so far is to go completely out of my mind.

At least I am off this weekend, although I am not sure what I am going to do with myself. The way I see it I have two options. I can medicate myself into a deep coma and sleep the entire weekend, or find something to do that requires so much concentration to stay safe that I can actually distract myself from the thoughts swirling in my mind. I'll keep you posted.

Spring where are you?

Okay - mother nature has had her laugh. I survived a winter in Philadelphia. Something I might point out I have no desire to ever experience again. Therefore, I deserve my reward. SPRING. It doesn't have to be 80 and sunny. I would take 60's at this point. We reached a grand high today of 43F. Come on - it's mid march. It is time for this joke to be over. Don't even get me started on the wind. I know March is supposed to be windy, but this windy?

I don't even have promises of spring. No tree buds, no green grass, and not a daffodil in sight. Who would have ever thought I would think of 99F and 90% humidity as the good old days.

Bangs @!@#$

Any woman who has ever had bangs and decided to grow them out understands the above title. If you haven't today's post if probably not for you. I "tried" bangs for the first time about 5 years ago. I started slowly with long tapered bangs. I liked and decided to progress to full single length bangs when I moved here to Philly.

I really like them at first. I would probably like them better if I had less fine hair, but after 35 years I have almost made peace with my hair's texture. Of course, I can never make my hair look as good as it does the day I leave the hair salon. I think it is multi factorial, but mainly related to the time or lack there of that I am willing to invest in fixing my hair. I particularly like the fact that it hides my ginormous forehead and the large wrinkle I have developed there.

Why them would I decide to grow them out? Two words - OR hat. I spend most of my day with my hair pulled back and up in an OR hat. I actually have several cloth printed hats that I wear in the operating room (no surprise here that I found a way to shop for OR clothes.) Because I have fine hair, I have to wear a fairly tight hat to keep my hair out of sight. If I wear a loose bouffant hat, my hair slides out the sides. I challenge anyone with bangs to put on a very tight hat and wear it for 10-12 hours. Let me know how your bangs look when you pull it off. I have tried everything to keep them from coming out in 47 directions, but nothing works well.

Thus, I am growing my bangs out yet again. Most frustratingly, I had JUST grown out my bangs. If you are to scared to get your hair cut for 3 months, bangs tend to grow out. When I finally caved in and got a new cut, I was talked into bangs again. I am currently at the incredibly irritating part where they are way too long to be bangs and way too short to be side swept. I fix it most days by wearing a hat. Too bad that won't work for my interview. I doubt the all men that I am interviewing with will understand about growing out bangs. I just have to assume that they are men and probably won't notice.

Philly weight

No secret to anyone that has seen me the last 8 months, but Philly was not good for my waist line. I am only now willing to admit it (since I've fixed it), but I gained 25 lbs when I moved to Philly. Not good. At 5'2", I show 5 lbs up or down - I have absolutely no where to hide 25 lbs.

I am not sure exactly what happened, but I have a few ideas. I of course tried a cheese steak, but didn't love it. My bigger problem was telling myself as long as I didn't eat huge proportions that I could eat whatever I wanted. Therefore, a bagel every day for breakfast, slice of pizza for lunch, etc. etc. I also decided for some reason that the gym in the basement of the building in which I live was not convenient enough so I quit working out. Although I can not lie well to others, I seem to do it very well to myself.

When it got to where none of my clothes fit anymore, I finally started believing the scale. Not only could I not afford to buy new clothes, but I was unhappy with how sluggish I was feeling. I am very happy to report that as of this morning, I am back to my Nashville weight. I say my Nashville weight because I gained 10 lbs when I moved from Augusta to Nashville.

As an aside, moving seems to be a bad idea for my eating habits. I am not sure why, but hopefully I will now find a place to settle for a while. My weight can't afford all the ups and downs.

No stopping here, my goal is to end my Thoracic training at the same weight I started it. So 3 1/2 months and 10 lbs - got to keep working.

Sprung forward

Check back in next week when I am enjoying light until 8 pm, but as of today - I HATE daylight savings time. Of course, I am on call this weekend so no slow adjusting for me. Even worse, I am in house on call today - no one hour less call for me, just having to be here one hour earlier.

My patients also seem to not be fans. I can't say that I blame them. Who wants a doctor waking them up at what feels (and yesterday was) 5 am just to tell them they are doing well and get to spend another day in the hospital. Let us just say I didn't make fans this morning.

I have spent the rest of the day in the operating room opening a redo sternum and explanting BIVADS. The one good thing about call here - it reminds me each and every time why I am SO HAPPY that I picked thoracic over cardiac. Give me ruptured esophagus at 2 am any day of the week.

At least I am post tomorrow and it is still supposed to be gorgeous. I really need a mani/pedi before the job interview.

Following my mother's advice

I have been noticeably absent from my blog for the last couple of weeks. I have a good excuse. I was following my mother's advice. She actually did tell me as a child (on numerous occasions - I was a slow learner) that if you didn't have anything good to say it is best to keep quiet. Therefore, I have kept very quiet for the last few weeks. I have been in a funk, the likes of which I had never been in before, and am only just now emerging.

I would like to point to one single thing as the cause of my recent funk, but in all honesty it is multi factorial. There is of course the job, but I think several other factors not all of which I want to talk about also contributed. A big one has been the weather. It is not just the fact that it has been cold. As a matter of fact, I am quite proud of how well I have handled the cold. I whine about it, but have learned how to layer up and go about my business. I think it has more to do with the length of this winter. I have always claimed that I have seasonal affective disorder, but now I am starting to believe that I really might. Seasonal affective disorder is a recognized condition that causes some people to become depressed in times of less light (i.e. winter). It has something to do with melatonin release the details of which I never bothered to completely understand. It is a recognized illness, and my intent is by no means to make fun. I so get it.

Despite the recent snow storm back home which left my parents powerless for 3 days, spring has been in the air. My dad's biggest complaint about the snow was that his fruit trees were already blooming and he is now certain they will die. Friends and family back home have already started thinking about softball and lawn care. Grass is turning green and flowers are blooming. Sure it is occasionally still cold particularly in the morning, but the weather is turning and you can smell spring.

It has not been that way here. We still had snow banks from the prior snow when this one came through. My car has turned a permanent shade of gray from all the snow and salt. The trees are still very far from leaves and no flowers are blooming. The winter started early and is going forever! I never paid much attention to that weird groundhog until this year. Back home, regardless of shadows, you knew that by the end of February you would start to have some good spring like days. Maybe it is just because he is from here, but the groundhog seems to know what he is talking about here. At least that only means a little over a week left of winter.

Today the weather is actually "nice" by Philly standards. I also have a job interview in Little Rock. Perhaps a combination of these things have lifted my spirits. Regardless of the details, I am happy to be somewhat closer to my chipper self.