moved

reasons can't explain - new blog location is as follows

http://tambaxter.blogspot.com

roller coasters

I LOVED roller coasters growing up. . . the higher, faster, curvier, loopier the better. I knew every ride at Six Flags and Carowinds. I knew the perfect seats and the perfect time of day to ride them (it actually makes a difference - some rides are faster early and some later). I lived for that feeling you get in the pit of your stomach right as you reach the top of the hill, or the beginning of the loop. The feeling that makes your heart race and your breath come a little faster. The feeling that although you have stood there and watched a hundred people come through the ride unscathed your trip might be different. The feeling of satisfaction felt when you completed the ride as if you had conquered Mount Everest - solo without oxygen.

In medical school I learned that all of these feelings are natural, and actually our oldest genetic response. From earliest human days, life was all about survival. We developed responses known as "flight or fight". When faced with uncertainty or danger, our body is hardwired to protect itself - to survive. Our heart rate increases to raise our cardiac output. This allows us to fight off danger or to run from it. All of these responses are triggered by the release of adrenaline from ,of all places, are adrenal glands.

Some people live for this response. They purposefully put themselves into situations that trigger it. These so called "adrenaline junkies" live for the "high" that they feel with all that extra adrenaline circulating around. I have been one of those people all of my life. It is probably one of the reasons that made me a surgeon. Nothing will give you more of an adrenaline surge than being in the operating room during a tricky or dangerous case. It was my own natural high.

Some people hate this response. Their adrenaline brings with it overwhelming nausea. Instead of feeling powerful and ready to take on the world, they develop feelings of impending doom and loss of control. The are incapacitated by the adrenaline. I fear that I am becoming one of these people. This whole job search thing is starting to feel like a roller coaster that never ends. I am beginning to wonder if instead of fighting for my "survival" if it wouldn't be easier to just roll into a ball and admit defeat. I know that there is still a fighter in me - I just need to find her again.

Mirror, Mirror on the Wall

I have often asked if some people looked in a mirror before they leave home. This question gets asked a lot here in Philly. As I wandered around a local outlet mall today, I caught myself again questioning people's "final check" before going out in public. After the 20th such person, I began to question my assumption - surely someone has a mirror. Perhaps they do check, but their mirror is just much kinder than mine.

I am currently at a medically healthy weight for my height and build. Is that what I see when I look in the mirror? Of course not. When I look in the mirror, it is never followed by affirmations. I am 10-15 lbs away from "thin", and 20-25 lbs away from "Hollywood thin". I look in the mirror and immediately catalogue all of my faults. I see too big breasts, big belly, butt that is a mile wide and sagging halfway down my thighs, etc.

I know that I am not a lone in this self defeating behavior. I have a friend who is tall, thin, abs to die for and beautiful. When she looks in the mirror - she only sees her thighs. Another friend who is tiny by any one's definition - she only sees breasts that are "too small" and broad shoulders. Why do we do this to ourselves?

Why can't we be more like these people I see around town. I saw a lady today about my height, but had me beat by at least 150lbs. She was wearing a tight halter and mini - quite frankly she rocked it. She rocked it because she owned it. I meanwhile had spent extra time hiding my "flaws" before leaving the house.

I am not suggesting that we all eat whatever we want and become grossly unhealthy. However, I am beginning to think that we should all give ourselves a break and more importantly a kinder gentler mirror. Will I stop trying to loose those last 15 lbs - probably not, but I will at least give try to give the current body a break from the endless abuse.

Chicken or the egg??

I have often been perplexed how certain people and things always seem to actually fit into pigeon holes. For example, a certain group of patients that I see with the same diagnosis (which I will leave out on the off chance someone who reads this has it) are all crazy. I don't mean a little different - I mean close to certifiable. It is well know among all in my field. Each field of medicine has a similar group. Does the disease make them crazy or do only crazy people get the disease? I had similar thoughts today when I read an article on MSN about astrology. Do I so perfectly fit my sign because I was born in April? Or have I adapted to fit my sign over the years?

Here is what it said:

Taurus, the second sign of the Zodiac, is all about reward. Unlike the Aries love of the game, Taurus loves the rewards of the game. Think physical pleasures and material goods, for those born under this Sign revel in delicious excess. They are also a tactile lot, enjoying a tender, even sensual, touch. Taureans adore comfort and like being surrounded by pleasing, soothing things. Along these lines, they also favor a good meal and a fine wine. The good life in all its guises, whether it's the arts or art of their own making (yes, these folks are artistic as well), is heaven on Earth to the Taurean-born.

It's the Bull that serves as the Taurean's mascot, and along with that comes the expectation that these folks are bull-headed and stubborn. Yes they are. Hey, this Sign has a Fixed Quality attached to it after all, so expect that things will occasionally grind to a halt. That said, Taureans don't start out with the intention of getting stuck. They simply want to get things done, and it's that steady, dogged persistence that winds up being viewed as stubbornness. Bulls are actually among the most practical and reliable members of the Zodiac, and they are happy to plod along, as it were, in pursuit of their goals. The good news for Bulls is that once they get to the finish line, they'll swaddle themselves in material goods. A self-indulgent beast? Perhaps, but if you toiled as laboriously as these folks do, you'd need some goodies, too.

Bring on the swaddling.

Gremlins

Since Hollywood seems to be in the process of remaking every film from my childhood, I am hoping Gremlins is next. I am fairly certain that I currently am living with at least 3. My friend Jess and her family were up this past weekend. Unfortunately, my place wasn't spic and span, but it was at least reasonably presentable. We enjoyed a nice weekend although I worked way too much of it. I was in house on call Sunday, and they headed back to DC.

When I came home on Monday, my apartment looked still in need of dusting ( I had hoped Micah would have a go at it), but otherwise as it had been on Friday. I threw in some laundry, had breakfast, and curled up on the couch for a nap. At some point, I woke up and threw in a new load of laundry, had lunch and moved my nap to the floor. Next time I regain consciousness it is 2:45 am and I am answering a wrong number call from my work phone.

After politely informing the caller that I had zero interest in his ridiculous consult, I looked around my apartment. I had been ransacked. There were dirty clothes in the hallway. . . clean clothes in the chair . . . dirty dishes in the sink . . . empty Indian food containers on the counter. . . and a full sleeping quarters in the middle of the living room floor. How can I (a fairly neat person at baseline) completely destroy my apartment in less than 12 hours? Appalled as I was, I did not clean up at 2:45 this morning. I crawled back into my comfy floor bed and went back to sleep. I am dreading going home today though, because I am afraid what the Gremlins have been up to while I was gone.

I'm It

I was "tagged" by my friend Jessica in her blog, and since my life is so boring I had nothing else to talk about - here goes.

8 Things I am looking forward to . . .
1. A Job
2. A place (state, city, dwelling) to call my own
3. A salary that soothes the pain of my sacrifices
4. Trips to visit friends that I haven't seen in way too long
5. Alex's wedding in Hawaii (I am so going)
6. Tennis lessons
7. Full night's sleep
8. Time

8 Things I did yesterday . . .
1. CPR (patient survived - at least he was still alive when I left)
2. Pulmonary conference (boring)
3. LONG HOT shower
4. Really good work-out
5. nap on my couch (I was post call in case you haven't figured it out)
6. America's Next Top Model marathon
7. "Grilled" a steak for dinner
8. Went to bed embarrassingly early

8 Things I wish I could do . . .
1. Find a job
2. Draw
3. Play tennis
4. Swim
5. Remember more often to be thankful for what I have
6. Eco vacation
7. Adventure vacation
8. Move to Tuscany

8 Things I am currently watching . . . (only the first with any regularity)
1. LOST
2. West Wing
3. Law and Order
4. Closer
5. Oprah
6. My second year resident trying to learn to open a chest
7. CTSNET for new job opportunities
8. my life pass by (kidding)

Okay - I think that is everything. Flying to Syracuse tonight for my job interview. Still hoping to hear back from Miami. New job interview for Univ of Mass - Worcester. I seem destined to live up North (teach me to move here in the first place).

Practicing Faith

The Lord is my shepherd; I shall not want.
He makes me to lie down in green pastures;
He leads me beside the still waters.
He restores my soul;
He leads me in the paths of righteousness
for his name's sake.

Yea, though I walk through the valley
of the shadow of death,
I will fear no evil;
For You are with me;
Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.

You prepare a table before me in the presence
of my enemies;
You anoint my head with oil;
My cup runs over.
Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me
All the days of my life;
And I will dwell in the house of the Lord
Forever.